Having
had the good fortune to enjoy the most intimate spiritual
relationship with the unforgettable late Father John Sergiev (of
Kronstadt), I often conversed with him, at times quite at length, on
subjects of a spiritual and exalted nature. Taking advantage of these
opportunities, I endeavored to question him in regard to my difficult
spiritual and monastic life; and pondering in my heart all the
answers of the good Father, I would seclude myself in my cell and
write down what he said to me, striving to remember his every word.
From these notes a whole book was compiled. During the last years of
Father John's life (I don't exactly remember when), I once mentioned
these writings to him, and he expressed a desire to check these notes
for himself. He found them accurate, made several corrections, where
with his own hands he inserted additions, and then said to me: 'It is
good that you are noting down my words. The Apostle says: Now I
praise you, brethren, that ye remember me in all things, and keep the
ordinances as I delivered them to you (1
Cor. 11:2). This means that the seed fell on good ground, and will
bring forth fruit, potent to feed others as well.' Here are these
notes, beginning in 1891, i.e. ,
the first year that Father John began to visit his native territory,
the village of Sura, with the purpose of building a stone parish
church in it.
II
When
Father John was returning by ship from his native territory, and had
entered the river Sheksna in order to follow it to the city of
Rybinsk, he was being awaited in Cherepoutz by Mr. L., who had
invited the good Father to visit and had chartered a large passenger
ship for him. On the eve of that day, July 17th, I had come to
Cherepoutz on monastery business, but I knew nothing about the
proposed visit of Father John. I learned of his arrival by evening,
and the next morning, after discovering that he had already arrived
and was staying at the house of the cathedral parish president and
business-man Mr. Krokhin, I immediately went to his house, forced my
way through the large crowd of people that had gathered there, and
began to plead with Father John to come and visit our monastery,
which was located on the shore of the river Sheksna. Batiushka Father
John excused himself from coming for fear that he would hold up the
ship, since it was only chartered to get him, and not for his
personal use. To this he added: 'If you want to talk, it would be
nice if you would come with me on the ship. Then we can talk.' In
this way we set off. Then, having beforehand obtained a permit from
the owner of the ship, I again began to plead with Father John to
come and visit our monastery. He agreed. Our ship stopped at our
monastery dock, 'Borki,' and we came ashore and went in a carriage to
the monastery.
The
first words Father John said, turning to me were:
Father
John: 'Why did you ask me so vehemently to visit your monastery?
We met and had a talk - isn't that enough?'
Abbess
Thaisia: 'Batiushka, I'm asking you to come because I had a
chance to talk to you and see you with my own eyes. Having received
this happiness, I want my sisters also to be as fortunate. If I don't
use all means available to me to do this, then it will be on my
conscience; but if I do everything on my part, and you still refuse,
then I will not be answerable to God.'
Father
John: 'Ah - so that's why! That's why we're going to the
monastery.'
On
our way we began a conversation.
Abbess
Thaisia: 'I was hoping to open my whole soul to you, Batiushka. I
have always wanted to do this so that you could see it as an external
thing, and would thus be able to show me what is needful for it. This
is the aim of my talk with you. Often we don't know ourselves, we
condescend to our weaknesses. Besides, I see that you are a man
endowed with grace; you see by the Holy Spirit which abides in you.'
Father
John: 'Pastors are given a special grace for the work of saving
the souls entrusted to us. This grace informs our knowledge to the
degree necessary.'
Abbess
Thaisia: 'Yes, Batiushka, but not all pastors are given an equal
amount. I think it is given to the measure of one's personal ability
to receive it. You are especially endowed with The Holy Spirit, and
through this you talk to people. I've been noticing this for quite
some time now.'
Father
John: 'If you have been noticing and you understand the
spirituality in a person, then there is no reason to doubt that one
needs faith. It is the enemy who disturbs our souls with doubt and
unbelief, in order to deprive us of peace.'
Abbess
Thaisia: 'You, Batiushka, have the chance to see many people, to
hear their various needs, sins, necessities, and everything that
people open up to you.'
Father
John: 'Yes, my dear, I'm forced to hear many confessions from
many people.' (Batiushka sighed heavily.)
Abbess
Thaisia: 'Does it get hard at times, Batiushka?'
Father
John: It's not easy, but
that is precisely what the commandment means: We then that
are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak (Rom.
15:1). This not an easy commandment, and it refers mostly to pastors.
Abbess
Thaisia: 'Do you get a chance to meet holy souls, perfect ones?'
Father
John: 'Our perfection is there,' (Pointing to the sky) 'and one
only is holy, our Lord Jesus Christ.'
Abbess
Thaisia: 'Batiushka, as long as a man is in the flesh, he cannot
be freed from passions, temptations and pitfalls. These surround him
all over the world.'
Father
John: 'Of course he's not free, that is precisely why it is
necessary to attend to ourselves deeply and persistently. In a moment
of temptation a man is, as it were, placed on the scales -which side
will overcome him? The enemy pulls him into perdition, while an angel
and his conscience are holding him back. At this time it is necessary
to arm oneself with the fear of hellish suffering. It is also
necessary to add to this secret prayer of the heart, because without
the help of God we are not strong enough to fight with temptations.'
Abbess
Thaisia: 'When a man pays heed to himself, then even the smallest
deviation from God, be it voluntary or involuntary, wieghs down the
soul and disrupts its peaceful state. (I am, of course, speaking from
experience.) With he loss of peace there arises turmoil, disturbance,
and frustration. Oh, how hard it is sometimes for the soul, and how
hard it is for it to return to its peaceful state!'
Father
John: 'At that time it is
imperative to have immediate secret repentance: He will
call unto me and I shall hear him
(Ps. 90:15). The Lord knows our weaknesses. He is ready to forgive us
everything, if we repent and ask forgiveness. It is imperative not to
become hard-hardheartedrted, i.e., not
to hesitate on the thought of committedited, but to repent
immediately, remembering the mercy of God. Then there will be born
not turmoil or distraction, but contrition of heart and humility,
which God will not despise (Ps.
50:17)
Abbess
Thaisia: 'How does one preserve the soul's peace with God, which
was restored to it through the sacraments, secret repentance, or Gods
mercy?'
Father
John: 'Nothing preserves
peace, which consists of contact with God, as much as paying heed to
oneself. In general, a man who is conducting a spiritual life and has
zeal for salvation must tirelessly pay heed to himself; that is, must
notice all the movements of his heart and mind. He is carefully
watched by the enemy, who wants to catch him - when he finds a
loophole, i.e., a
moment not covered by the attention of the householder, he
immediately rushes in and operates like the householder of a man's
soul, and can do quite a lot of harm.'
Abbess
Thaisia: 'How hard is the feeling within oneself when, having
become purified and having restored it's union with God, the soul
again breaks that union!'
Father
John: 'On a clean and white surface, even the smallest spot is
evident; we can likewise apply this to the soul. But on a black and
dirty surface, it is unnoticeable because of the overall darkness and
filth. And so it comes out that it is necessary to pay heed to
oneself and have unceasing remembrance of God and inward prayer.'
Abbess
Thaisia: 'Yes, Batiushka, one comes to the conviction that it is
hard for a man who is placed by life amidst tumult, even if he is
innocent - as, for example, one who is in charge of others but
strives to have inward attention - to keep himself on this path.'
Father
John: 'Yes, it is hard,
but what good deed is acquired without labor? After all, looking at
it from another point of view, isn't our salvation in labor, isn't
the kingdom of God taken by violence? And from the days of
John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence,
and the violent take it by force.
(Matt. 11:12) That is, forcing oneself by strength, by striving to
fight, and only the most zealous seekers achieve it. Prayer is needed
here.'
Abbess
Thaisia: 'Father, teach me to pray.'
Father
John: 'To pray is the
simplest, and at the same time the hardest, thing to do. A child can
pray in it's own way; it asks it's father and mother for what it
wants. We are children of the Heavenly Father. Why must we go out of
our way to ask our Father? Just as you feel you must tell Him your
needs, in the same way open your heart. The Lord is nigh
unto all them that call upon Him, to all that call upon Him in
truth... and their supplication shall He hear.
(Ps. 144: 19,20). And again I tell you, I will come (II
Sam. 17:2). Oh, how great is God's mercy towards us! But at the same
time be wise and careful; preserve your mind from being scattered and
wandering, and from vanity.'
Abbess
Thaisia: 'Sometimes Batiushka, I actually pray with my whole
being, as if standing before the face of God himself. My whole being
then disappears, and my prayer becomes sweet and fervent. That
doesn't happen often, though; I don't allow myself such a state at
times, for fear of the enemy, lest he platter by such prayer, as I am
still inexperienced and incapable of enduring it's heights. This is
the work of those more successful in spiritual life than myself. I,
of course, have read all the ascetic books which warn against
practicing contemplative prayer - especially beginners, such as
myself - and warn that if one does strive for it at an early time, it
is necessary to do so with extreme caution, as an exalted gift from
God.
Father
John: 'That is exactly what I am telling you: be wise and
careful. However, it is not wise to avoid contemplative prayer. Such
prayer is a visitation of God's grace. One must persistently and
intently ask for it and treasure it, but not avoid it for any reason.
The enemy hates such prayer; and that is why he tries to frighten and
deceive you. This prayer gives peace to the soul, it settles silence
and quietness in it.'
Abbess
Thaisia: 'Since becoming an abbess, I don't pray much Batiushka.
During the day I get exhausted from my daily work and cares, and I
can barely crawl to my pillow at night. Before I can even get up in
the morning, all the cares rise up again. The moment I open the door,
I am overwhelmed; I can hardly return to prayer.'
Father
John: 'Salvation and
prayer don't consist in many words, but in understanding and warmth
of heart. The most important thing to remember during the day is to
have constant thought of God, that is, to have secret inward prayer.
I myself don't have time to stand through long monastic services, but
everywhere I go, whether I walk, am driven, ride, sit or lie, the
thought of God never abandons me. I beheld the Lord ever
before me that I might not be shaken
(Ps. 15:18). The thought of His closeness never abandons me. You,
too, must strive to do the same.'
Abbess
Thaisia: 'Batiushka, do you sense Him close to you?'
Father
John: 'Yes, my dear, as
one close, very close to me. He is always with me, according to His
word: I will dwell in them... and I will be their God (II
Cor. 6:16). Otherwise, how would I act the whole day, if it were not
for the grace of God?
Abbess
Thaisia: 'Yes Batiushka, you certainly are laboring remarkably!
You are offering yourself as a sacrifice to the people, completely
forgetting about yourself.'
Father
John: 'Well, perhaps
that's a little too much. Actually, I strive according to my
strength, with God's help, for the salvation of men. I have been
preparing myself for this since my ordination to the priesthood.
Pastors, who are the successors of the Apostles, must live for their
flock, and not for themselves: Ye are the salt of the
Earth, but if the salt has lost it's savor, wherewith shall it be
salted? (Matt. 3:13)
Abbess
Thaisia: 'I know Batiushka, that you have served as a priest for
quite some time now. Why have you now become so conspicuous?'
Father
John: 'That was the time of preparation. How is it possible to
come out to fight if one hasn't prepared oneself and acquired
experience?'
Abbess
Thaisia: 'Yes Batiushka, it has not been easy for you, but now
you stand higher than all temptations and passions. Any that approach
you will be crushed against the rock of faith and grace that is
within you.'
Father
John crossed himself and said with a sigh:
Father
John: 'That's a lot to say - higher than all temptations and
passions? I'm not passionless. But God's grace - and His grace which
was bestowed on me was not in vain (i Cor 15:10) - has always
strengthened me and encouraged me. What we have is nothing but
weaknesses and sins; our capability in serving is from God.'
Abbess
Thaisia: 'You have great faith, Batiushka, which I seem to lack.
Share some with me.'
Father
John smiled and said:
Father
John: 'Take as much as you want, as much as you can carry. The
Lord is rich in mercies.'
Abbess
Thaisia: 'You're joking, Batiushka, but I often waver. Not in
faith in God, of course. Oh no, I believe in him firmly and
undoubtingly. i will give you an example: How can I hope for
salvation on the path I have chosen? Was it from God, or my own
initiative? And what about all my dreams, which you know about? And
there are many other matters I want verified in a more spiritual way,
full of grace and hope.'
Father
John: 'It is futile to be disturbed about that. Your first vision
of the Savior occurred when you were still a child. What kind of
prelest would that be? He called you by this means to serve Him, and
gave you a testament for your salvation.'
Abbess
Thaisia: 'At the end of the vision he told me: 'First you must
labor.' And so I labor with all my strength - but am I doing it in a
way that is pleasing to Him? Will He accept my labors, are they
pleasing to Him? I cannot be sure, for after all, 'God's judgment is
different.''
Father
John: 'How will He not accept them when He has already crowned
them with success? Look what a cathedral you have erected in such a
short time, without any means. Didn't the Lord crown your labors with
such success? For your monastery and your virgin sisters whom you are
guiding to salvation, the Lord will reward you a hundredfold, for He
is just and merciful.'
Abbess
Thaisia: 'But all this is external, my dear Batiushka. So I built
a cathedral with donations that other people obtained from other
people's hands. For this everyone praises me. This is an external
reward for external things. What about my soul? What have I acquired
during the course of my many years in the monastery?'
Father
John: 'You say that you haven't acquired anything for your soul?
This will be judged by God, Who is the knower of hearts. As long as
we are on the Earth, Thaisia, the soul is inseparably bound with
external things, and the labors, although of a material nature, are
undertaken for the Lord and His Glory. Indisputably these are
accepted by Him. You say that it was built by other peoples
donations. Ha! It is much easier to build with one's own money, than
by that acquired by the difficult, tedious collection of these
donations. You say that they praise you for building the cathedral.
How can one avoid praising such a deed? After all, from here to the
end of the world the name of God is glorified by thousands of lips.
Your memory, as the builder of the church, will not be forgotten by
the Church.
Abbess
Thaisia: 'Now, because of these building cares, combined with the
general abbatical worries and labors, I have no prayer, no fasting,
no monastic activity.'
Father
John: 'Your labors are not for your soul alone, but for the
general good. That is why they are great, greater than if they were
just for yourself. As for fasting, you are lying about yourself. Your
food is poor and simple. To completely avoid this is impossible for
one who labors.'
Abbess
Thaisia: 'And what of the sins connected with the abbatical
position?'
Father
John: 'And what of the lamb of God, Who took away the sin of the
world? Ask from God faith and hope: Wherefore gird up the loins of
your mind, and be sober, and hope till the end for the grace that is
to brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ (I Peter 1:13),
says the Apostle Peter.'
Abbess
Thaisia: 'Pray for me, Batiushka, that through your powerful
prayers the Lord will help me.'
Father
John: 'I am praying, and will keep praying. You must pray for me
also; your prayer has boldness.'
Abbess
Thaisia: 'What is my prayer? I pray for you, my Batiushka, on the
one hand, because I like to pray for you. But on the other hand, it
is shameful and frightful for me to pray for you before God, for who
am I compared to you?'
Father
John: 'Why, Thaisia, it's
not right for you to exalt me like that! I am the first of sinners.
the Apostle himself asks the faithful to pray for him: Brethren,
pray for us (I Thes. 5:25). And
the other Apostle writes: Pray one for another (Jas. 5:16). It is
easier to pray for those who pray for us.'
Abbess
Thaisia: 'I wrote to you once, Batiushka, asking you to pray for
my healing from a sickness, and I received a little alleviation, but
not complete healing.'
Father
John: 'That means there
was no need of it. Don't seek to escape sickness; one must be sick
for a while and endure. Everything is good for you, for your
salvation.'
Part 3 soon...
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